I should have a PhD. in this stuff. I'll tell you why. I've developed a theory that explains how I see the world. It's called The Unified Theory of Bullshit. It sounds complicated, but it's not. Basically, anything that I don't approve of is bullshit. Since I'm a cat, the world revolves around me. If I don't like something, then it's bullshit and can be safely ignored. I consider lots of things to be bullshit; I'll give you some examples:
I hope that clears things up. I tend to use the phrase bullshit quite a bit and didn't want to confuse my audience. Now you understand why I say it so much. If you don't understand, then I will just say that you are bullshit.
- Not getting my neck scratched when exactly I want? Bullshit.
- Not being fed according to my precise internal clock? Bullshit.
- Commenting on my perceived girth? Insensitive bullshit. I am strong and healthy. Not obese.
- Not cleaning my eyes out at precisely 8 a.m. and 8 p.m.? Bullshit.
- Not giving me my petroleum jelly snacks anymore because the vet says it's not good for me? Bullshit. Who is the expert on me? That's right. ME.
- My favorite treats are Greenies and they need to be on hand at all times. If they're not? Bullshit.
- If I am getting sick of one flavor of Greenies and you don't immediately change to another flavor? Bullshit. You must be attuned to my every wish and desire.
- Paying attention to another cat and not me? That's total bullshit.
- Not changing the litter box when I demand you to? That's not only bullshit for me, but problems for you. I can't help it if I have the bladder of an Arabian racehorse. You need to buy a stronger scooper. Period. Cheap plastic ones break under the weight of my masculine waste. Metal works better. (*Editors note: Apologies for the uncouth details).
- Reality, the very fabric of our existence which allows us to function in a cruel and random universe? You guessed it, bullshit. If reality doesn't conform to my exact wishes, then life itself is indeed bullshit.
I hope that clears things up. I tend to use the phrase bullshit quite a bit and didn't want to confuse my audience. Now you understand why I say it so much. If you don't understand, then I will just say that you are bullshit.
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