Let me tell you why. I get dirty. Being a big, strong cat man I find it difficult to reach some places. When I get too dirty, I get in a really bad mood. *(From the Editors: Um, yeah. This is a bit different from his normal mood, but not by much). To get the attention of my staff, sometimes I have to resort to the Annoying Cat Stare. I have a special twist on this because I can make my eyes glow with anger. Peem, he tends to ignore me. So I directed my Annoying Cat Stare at Meem:
This is my Annoying Cat Stare. Beware.
When I add my Annoying Cat Yell to my Annoying Cat Stare, it always works. Today I got a bath. Now, being a Turkish Van Cat, I'm special. Not that you needed reminding of how special I am, but I'm super-special. Turkish Vans like water. This means that I like water. I like water in all its forms. Ice cubes. Snow. Especially snow. And baths.
Now. For a proper bath, there are certain tools that you need. First, you need a staff of humans. Next you need a tub with warm bath water. Cold water is bullshit. I'm a Turkish Van, not a polar bear. Next, the water must be filled to approximately chest level. This is important. Not too shallow. Not too deep. Are you taking notes? You should be.
Here's a picture of the most important tools. Note the gloves, cat shampoo and especially my purple and white striped bath towel. I'm royalty, therefore I must have purple. That's the rule.
These are important cat bath tools. Take notes.
Meem insists on the rubber gloves to wash my backside. She says I'm "skanky." I don't agree. She's wrong. **(Editor's note: Skanky doesn't need quotes around it. The feline is positively foul.) To better illustrate my invigorating bathing experience, my slaves, I mean, servants, will post some pictures.
First, I must get naked. That means remove my collar. By the way, Meem saw the perfect collar for me this weekend, but being a man, Peem wouldn't let her get it for me. Bullshit. It was purple with gold Fleur-de-Lis all around it. She better go back and get it for me. Anyway, you can tell from this picture that I need a bath. I'm in a bad mood.
I like this shampoo. It makes me all manly and clean. The one problem I have with it is that it makes me smell like an apple blossom. Peem likes to tease me for a couple days after every bath, like he thinks he's funny or something. He's not. Cats aren't supposed to smell like apple blossoms. Cat nip blossoms, maybe. Apple blossoms. No. Who thought of that? They need to be fired.
Meem gets me all sudsy and once again I have to tell her to be careful of my eyes. If she got shampoo in my eyes, I would make sure to shred her JCrew Italian suede ballet flats. I am very practiced at revenge. Soap in the eyes means the death of expensive shoes.
The only part of my bath that is bullshit is when my Meem washes by backside. Stay away from my behind. Period. It's not as dirty as you think it is. How would you like it if someone scrubbed your butt wearing rubber gloves? That's right, you wouldn't.
After I'm all rinsed off, Peem always has to laugh. He thinks I have a weight problem. Pleasantly plump is NOT a weight problem. Here I am, naked and vulnerable, and all he does is laugh and take pictures of my manly physique. He wishes he was a cat man. That's all.
Once my bath is finished, I get dried off in my royal towel. I demand that my servants towel dry me for at least 10 minutes.
Only I can get my fur just perfect. You must leave me alone until I'm properly coiffed.
This is me after I'm all clean and dry. Remember, baths are not bullshit. A bathed cat is a happy cat. That's what I think. That means it's true.
This is my Annoying Cat Stare. Beware.When I add my Annoying Cat Yell to my Annoying Cat Stare, it always works. Today I got a bath. Now, being a Turkish Van Cat, I'm special. Not that you needed reminding of how special I am, but I'm super-special. Turkish Vans like water. This means that I like water. I like water in all its forms. Ice cubes. Snow. Especially snow. And baths.
Now. For a proper bath, there are certain tools that you need. First, you need a staff of humans. Next you need a tub with warm bath water. Cold water is bullshit. I'm a Turkish Van, not a polar bear. Next, the water must be filled to approximately chest level. This is important. Not too shallow. Not too deep. Are you taking notes? You should be.
Here's a picture of the most important tools. Note the gloves, cat shampoo and especially my purple and white striped bath towel. I'm royalty, therefore I must have purple. That's the rule.
These are important cat bath tools. Take notes.Meem insists on the rubber gloves to wash my backside. She says I'm "skanky." I don't agree. She's wrong. **(Editor's note: Skanky doesn't need quotes around it. The feline is positively foul.) To better illustrate my invigorating bathing experience, my slaves, I mean, servants, will post some pictures.
First, I must get naked. That means remove my collar. By the way, Meem saw the perfect collar for me this weekend, but being a man, Peem wouldn't let her get it for me. Bullshit. It was purple with gold Fleur-de-Lis all around it. She better go back and get it for me. Anyway, you can tell from this picture that I need a bath. I'm in a bad mood.
Next, pour the water. Make sure my fur is completely saturated. The warm water being poured along my spine feels nice. I recommend it. However, Meem got too close to my eyes here. That's what happens when she doesn't listen to me.
I like this shampoo. It makes me all manly and clean. The one problem I have with it is that it makes me smell like an apple blossom. Peem likes to tease me for a couple days after every bath, like he thinks he's funny or something. He's not. Cats aren't supposed to smell like apple blossoms. Cat nip blossoms, maybe. Apple blossoms. No. Who thought of that? They need to be fired.
Meem gets me all sudsy and once again I have to tell her to be careful of my eyes. If she got shampoo in my eyes, I would make sure to shred her JCrew Italian suede ballet flats. I am very practiced at revenge. Soap in the eyes means the death of expensive shoes.
The only part of my bath that is bullshit is when my Meem washes by backside. Stay away from my behind. Period. It's not as dirty as you think it is. How would you like it if someone scrubbed your butt wearing rubber gloves? That's right, you wouldn't.
After I'm all rinsed off, Peem always has to laugh. He thinks I have a weight problem. Pleasantly plump is NOT a weight problem. Here I am, naked and vulnerable, and all he does is laugh and take pictures of my manly physique. He wishes he was a cat man. That's all.
Once my bath is finished, I get dried off in my royal towel. I demand that my servants towel dry me for at least 10 minutes.
Only I can get my fur just perfect. You must leave me alone until I'm properly coiffed.
This is me after I'm all clean and dry. Remember, baths are not bullshit. A bathed cat is a happy cat. That's what I think. That means it's true.
