I haven't posted in a while, so allow me to explain. Meem and Peem don't seem to understand something - they are my slaves and they have to do what I want. So in that vein, I am making them post about what every cat needs - human slaves.
Every cat man needs human slaves to do the menial things in life - dispensing our treats, scratching our necks, cleaning our eyes out and scooping our litter. After feeding us exactly what we want and when we want, scooping out our litter is the most important chore for human slaves.
A cat man needs to make sure that his slaves understand the importance of this job. Like all royalty, we get very peeved when we don't get our way.
Every cat man needs human slaves to do the menial things in life - dispensing our treats, scratching our necks, cleaning our eyes out and scooping our litter. After feeding us exactly what we want and when we want, scooping out our litter is the most important chore for human slaves.
A cat man needs to make sure that his slaves understand the importance of this job. Like all royalty, we get very peeved when we don't get our way.
"Well, what are you waiting for? Remove my waste product, slave!"
In order to train your human slaves appropriately, you must begin training them at an early stage in your relationship. As in the first day:
Your new monarch has assumed his place.
A kingly cat man must have a throne. Here I am claiming my throne shortly after my slaves brought me to my palace. Notice that I am not concerned about the size of the throne. I know that I will soon grow into a strong and healthy cat man and the size of my royal throne will be of no concern.
You must also teach your servants the proper way to prepare your meals.
As you can see, I am asserting my dominance early in the relationship. I am letting my human slave know that while I may permit them to eat dairy products undisturbed from time to time, their pudding or yogurt belongs to me. As it should be.
Not only do their dairy products belong to the kingly cat man of the house, but in fact their entire house as well. Their recliner? Yours to appropriate and take over. Their couch? Your personal scratching post. Their shoes? Yours for vomit disposal. Their carpet? Yours to deposit your winter fur. Any corded electrical device? Yours for chewing while you are teething or merely need to get your human slave's attention.
An important point to remember for all cat royalty- Do not feel guilty about any of this.
You are a cat man, and human slaves and their property are you due. You must not only expect deference, you must always act imperious. Why? Because you are a cat man.
Do you know what your response should be?
"Nope, wasn't me. I'm a cat - we don't make mistakes."
That's right. Bow down, slave.
Here I'm teaching my human slave the correct way to feed me pudding.
Not only do their dairy products belong to the kingly cat man of the house, but in fact their entire house as well. Their recliner? Yours to appropriate and take over. Their couch? Your personal scratching post. Their shoes? Yours for vomit disposal. Their carpet? Yours to deposit your winter fur. Any corded electrical device? Yours for chewing while you are teething or merely need to get your human slave's attention.
An important point to remember for all cat royalty- Do not feel guilty about any of this.
You are a cat man, and human slaves and their property are you due. You must not only expect deference, you must always act imperious. Why? Because you are a cat man.
According to the Feline Laws of the Universe, cat men are never to feel guilt about anything. At all. Guilt is bullshit. Did you puke all over their tax returns or thesis? Knock over their precious china? Almost burn down the apartment? Destroy the only remaining map to the Ark of the Covenant?
Do you know what your response should be?
"Nope, wasn't me. I'm a cat - we don't make mistakes."
Remember this, as it is the very essence of our Royal Feline mentality: We are cats and we don't make mistakes. Period. No arguments. No exceptions.
The sooner our human slaves understand this simple universal truth, the easier their lives will be. Remember: Start young. Be assertive. Claim your royal dues. If you follow my advice, soon your human slaves will be assuming the position:
That's right. Bow down, slave.
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